Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Randomize
