I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
