and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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