ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
