My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
