oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
