Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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