First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
