I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
