I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
