i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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