a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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