just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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