This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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