Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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