I just saw a hot homeless man
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
