So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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