i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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