Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
