he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
