More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
