Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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