when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
