Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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