Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
