I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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