I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
