The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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