I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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