It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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