About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
