Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
