I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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