she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
