I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
