PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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