Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
