The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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