dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
