I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
