He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I have fence marks all over my body
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
