I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
wow bdsm is so cute
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
