So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
