Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
In America we eat man semen.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
