The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
