i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
