my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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