p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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