I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
