I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
