Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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