Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
