Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
