Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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